Intimate Solutions

WARNING: The following post contains sexually explicit material that may be too mature...blah blah blah-- it's about sex toys, okay? And yes, I know my mother reads this blog but she's got a sense of humor too (FYI mom, don't read this one to Grandma, k?).

Scared? Read on--it's soooo worth it. Promise.

If you're a New Englander, you probably know about The Vermont Country Store, the "Purveyors of the practical and hard to find" (who uses the word "purveyor" these days? The Vermont Country Store apparently--they are just that old school). My mom, born and raised in the boonies of up, upstate New York would get their catalog from time to time and it would have items like flannel nightgowns, mom jeans, linens you would only see at your grandmother's house, and maple syrup.  Here is one of their "new" items for summer:

So if you were staging a production of Little House on the Prairie this summer, the Vermont County Store can hook you up.

Last year, however, The Vermont Country Store realized they were not fully 'servicing' their clientele--you know, the 75 and older crowd. So they came up with "Intimate Solutions":

http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/browse/Home/Apothecary/Intimate-Solutions/D/30002/P/1:100:1000:10120
  
Yes, those are "personal massagers", and a pube-dying gel and a clitoral pump (I'm not 100% what that is...I thought about googling it and then decided that was probably not in best interest).  Now I'm not naive, I am well aware that the elderly are having far more sex then they let on as they damn well should be but there is just something so wrong about this. Seeing kind old Mr. Lyman Orton surrounded by dildos is unsettling. It conjures up thoughts of good old Walter Brimley taking his Diabeetus medication and then a viagra. Just unsettling.....

...But somehow I found this to be terribly Vermont. Let me explain. True Vermonters--born, bred, and raised in the Green Mountains on maple syrup--are very practical, so I have no doubt they love the idea of being able to buy a Mummu, plastic Santa, and vibrator all in one shopping trip. Mr. Orton even reminds us, "Here at the Vermont Country Store, we take a practical, no-nonsense approach to keeping you healthy, physically, emotionally, and...well...sexually too!" Oh you're so coy Vermont Country Store!

I do have to say my favorite is the vibrating rubber duck. I can just see it now...grandma leaves her rubber ducky that makes bath time oh so fun out. The grand-kids stop by on Sunday afternoon for home-baked cookies and time with Nana. "Grandma! Why is the rubber duck dancing like that! What fun!" Years later...maybe when they're 30, 35, they'll have this moment--maybe walking down the street or dropping their kids off at school--when it will dawn on them just what grandma was doing with that rubber ducky.....and their lives will never be the same.....

"Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you......"

P.s. I'm working on a maple syrup-flavored lubricant to sell to the country store. Hopefully this will be on that makes me millions!

They call me 'Dances with Squirrels'

My sister and I have a long running squirrel joke. We both went to large Midwestern colleges were the squirrels absolutely ran amuck. I almost fell off my bike once on the way to class because I saw a squirrel carrying something in its mouth. Upon closer inspection I learned it was ANOTHER SQUIRREL! Another time on my way to the dining hall I found two squirrels screwing on the walkway. Animals. So my sister and I often give each other squirrel-themed gifts...almost as a reminder to stay ever vigilant, because you never know when a sneaky squirrel will venture onto your path.

Last Wednesday a sneaky squirrel did just that. While sitting at my desk my attention was diverted by a scampering noise just above me. This wouldn't have been terribly odd if I was on the top floor of my office. But I'm not. I'm on the first floor. I noted the noise but didn't give it too much thought. Did someone take a dog up to the second floor and I hadn't noticed? Were the office ladies upstairs scampering back and forth on tiptoe? (this actually did pass my mind for a fleeting moment)

A few moments into the scampering Dave appeared at my door saying nothing more than "We've got a squirrel." We spent the next couple of minutes looking both frightened and amused as we listen to the squirrel run between offices.

Now a week previous to this, Amanda had put a box of candy that had been invaded by ants on our back stoop with the intention of taking it to the dumpster. The box sat there for a few days, forgotten, and we soon found a gang of squirrels outside of our office chowing down on Dum Dums and Hersey Kisses. While this whole scenario was hilarious (imagine a little squirrel holding a lollipop in both hand--f*cking cute!), it now meant we had a gang of squirrels hopped up on sugar with their sugar source removed. We now had little crack addicts on our hands with no crack--not so funny anymore....

So upon returning from the holiday weekend this week, we came back to find some "presents" in the office--bits of our old dropped ceiling chewed up and on the floor, kleenex balls that the squirrels had been crawling down in to the office to get to add to their nest, and the sound of small scampering feet above our heads...aww the joys of being in a building that used to be a goat barn! (yes, where my desk sits is probably where goats formerly use to take a sh*t...pleasant thought).  A humane trap has been set so now we just wait...

To be continued...... 

P.s. To my Florida friends, I keep telling myself  "Well, at least it's not a rat." At least I hope not....