Intimate Solutions

WARNING: The following post contains sexually explicit material that may be too mature...blah blah blah-- it's about sex toys, okay? And yes, I know my mother reads this blog but she's got a sense of humor too (FYI mom, don't read this one to Grandma, k?).

Scared? Read on--it's soooo worth it. Promise.

If you're a New Englander, you probably know about The Vermont Country Store, the "Purveyors of the practical and hard to find" (who uses the word "purveyor" these days? The Vermont Country Store apparently--they are just that old school). My mom, born and raised in the boonies of up, upstate New York would get their catalog from time to time and it would have items like flannel nightgowns, mom jeans, linens you would only see at your grandmother's house, and maple syrup.  Here is one of their "new" items for summer:

So if you were staging a production of Little House on the Prairie this summer, the Vermont County Store can hook you up.

Last year, however, The Vermont Country Store realized they were not fully 'servicing' their clientele--you know, the 75 and older crowd. So they came up with "Intimate Solutions":

http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/browse/Home/Apothecary/Intimate-Solutions/D/30002/P/1:100:1000:10120
  
Yes, those are "personal massagers", and a pube-dying gel and a clitoral pump (I'm not 100% what that is...I thought about googling it and then decided that was probably not in best interest).  Now I'm not naive, I am well aware that the elderly are having far more sex then they let on as they damn well should be but there is just something so wrong about this. Seeing kind old Mr. Lyman Orton surrounded by dildos is unsettling. It conjures up thoughts of good old Walter Brimley taking his Diabeetus medication and then a viagra. Just unsettling.....

...But somehow I found this to be terribly Vermont. Let me explain. True Vermonters--born, bred, and raised in the Green Mountains on maple syrup--are very practical, so I have no doubt they love the idea of being able to buy a Mummu, plastic Santa, and vibrator all in one shopping trip. Mr. Orton even reminds us, "Here at the Vermont Country Store, we take a practical, no-nonsense approach to keeping you healthy, physically, emotionally, and...well...sexually too!" Oh you're so coy Vermont Country Store!

I do have to say my favorite is the vibrating rubber duck. I can just see it now...grandma leaves her rubber ducky that makes bath time oh so fun out. The grand-kids stop by on Sunday afternoon for home-baked cookies and time with Nana. "Grandma! Why is the rubber duck dancing like that! What fun!" Years later...maybe when they're 30, 35, they'll have this moment--maybe walking down the street or dropping their kids off at school--when it will dawn on them just what grandma was doing with that rubber ducky.....and their lives will never be the same.....

"Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you......"

P.s. I'm working on a maple syrup-flavored lubricant to sell to the country store. Hopefully this will be on that makes me millions!